Not in Vain
by mtfrosty
Summary: Obi-wan's thoughts leading up to and during his duel with Anakin on Mustafar. One-shot with some major Obi angst.


_I've been itching to get this one out of my head for a while now, so here it is. I hope it turned out alright. Be prepared for major Obi-angst..._

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The sound of his feet crunching over the black dirt was the only sound he heard. A roaring river of lava was flowing not ten yards from where he walked, yet he did not hear it. Just his footsteps. One in front of the other, almost reluctantly. He had to force each foot to move, put more strength into it than was necessary. He was looking down, eyes on his feet as they moved him forward, towards a destination that he did not want to reach. The ground beneath him released small puffs of ash every time one of his feet landed, as if he needed more proof that he was indeed still moving. Every puff of ash ate away yet another sliver of his slowly breaking heart.

_"Can we play a game, Master?"_

_There was a brief moment of hesitation, but then a smile broke out on the elder Jedi's face. It was a rare sight lately. "Sure, padawan. What game would you like to play?"_

_He had been expecting the boy to immediately run towards the game closet and look over the different titles, but instead he just plopped down on the sofa with that lopsided grin of his and innocently answered, "Truth or Dare?"_

_He hadn't played that game in ages, and he was a little shocked that his padawan would want to play a game like that. He was a bit puzzled, but he sat down next to the boy and leaned back, getting comfortable. "Okay…"_

_The youngster smiled at him, though there was a spark of victory in that smile. "Truth or dare, master?"_

_"Truth." With a padawan like his, he knew it could potentially be life-threatening if he chose the latter._

_The boy's grin widened, as if sealing a victory that the master had yet to figure out. "Tell me about Qui-gon, master. Please." The older man was silent for a moment before he smiled gently. He spoke. The darkness faded. The grief passed away._

The feet stopped. They were no longer his feet. His arms were no longer a part of his body. It was all just a vehicle of betrayal, taking him to where he did not want to go. His mind fought it, but the vehicle wouldn't stop. It had a mission to carry out, a duty to those it had left behind. He almost got it to turn around, but the feet wouldn't budge. They just kept facing forward until the mind inside quit resisting. Two eyes, still a part of him, looked to the side at the raging river of orange fire that was pouring through the desolate landscape. The fire reflected in gray eyes that had once been blue.

_"There's so much water…" the teen said as they walked through the humid forest. "It's even in the air." His voice was filled with admiration and wonder. _

_"Not all worlds are like Tatooine," the master absently replied. He was searching the path for any danger. "Keep your senses sharp; this is where it gets a little dangerous."_

_He could hear the boy behind him as he followed him through the dense vegetation. "It's so green, master. Why can't every place have this much color? It's so cool! Master, did you see that lizard back there? It was bright orange! I've never seen –"_

_"Padawan!" he snapped, immediately regretting it. One look and he could tell that the boy was shocked and maybe even a little frightened. He sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. But do try and be a little quieter. We're not alone out here."_

_"Yes, master."_

_"Besides, if you're too loud, you won't be able to see all of the exotic creatures out here. Especially the slugs."_

_"Slugs?" There was disbelief in the question._

_He grinned. "Yes, padawan, slugs. They're far more interesting than that lizard back there."_

_"Whatever you say." The teen would change his mind when they came across one an hour later. It was three feet long, yellow, and slimed him from head to toe._

That memory didn't bring a smile to his face. Nothing would anymore. At least not a sincere smile. The feet were moving again. Left, right. Up the hill. Nothing registered in his brain at this point. It was all just blank, as if he couldn't believe this was actually about to happen. The irony of it only stuck another needle through his heart. The entire Jedi Order, it seemed, had always wanted to witness an actual duel between them, just to see who was really the better swordsman. Now it was finally about to happen, and there were no Jedi left to witness it. There would be one other difference. The feet stopped moving again as his mind once again forced them to halt. This duel would be a fight to the death.

_"I still think I would win," the young man repeated for the umpteenth time._

_The elder Jedi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, lightsaber clenched firmly, but loosely in his other hand. "Do we have to have this conversation right now?" They were currently standing back to back, surrounded by droids, effortlessly flicking blaster shots away from themselves. "Could you possibly save it for a less…" he ducked so that his former padawan's lightsaber didn't shear off his head. "… eventful time?" He straightened again, batting away a shot that would have speared the younger man in the back._

_"I just think you don't want to talk about it, because you know that I'm right."_

_This time he turned his head, to lock his eyes on the younger Jedi. "Since when did you start reading my mind? Unless I'm mistaken, that is not one of a Jedi's current capabilities."_

_"Well… seriously, though. I mean, look at you! You could at least deflect the shots back into the droids, instead of just away from us. It would make our current situation a little less hazardous and it would at least give your dueling skills a little credibility…" He trailed off when he noticed that he no longer had any shots to deflect. His former master had just taken down the rest of the droids, numbering around twenty, without moving an inch. He blinked, and just stared at the older man who turned to look at him with something very closely resembling a smirk on his face._

_"I think this conversation is over," the master said._

_The young man glowered and followed his master out of the mess of downed droids. "Doesn't prove anything…" he muttered._

_The older man didn't stop walking or turn around, but he was grinning from ear to ear._

His mouth was drawn in a thin line; he knew what he would see once he trudged to the top of the hill. The small cylinder hanging on his belt suddenly felt like a ton of lead. He couldn't do this… he couldn't… this was his friend, his brother… there he was. He would recognize that man anywhere; at least that's what he thought until he turned to look at him. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could and bowed his head. That wasn't his boy… that was a monster. The monster smiled and said two words that suddenly sounded very unloving, though they were said in the same tone he had heard a thousand times. "Hello, Master."

He didn't open his eyes, but his mouth moved, whispering a name that he still held close to his heart despite all that had happened. "Anakin…"

_"Anakin…" _

_The boy muttered something, but would not break from his peaceful slumber. His master almost stopped trying to wake him. It was the first peaceful sleep the boy had experienced in the last three years. Unfortunately, there were still classes he had to attend and places he had to be. The master rested a calloused hand on the boy's shoulder, taking pains not to startle him if he woke up. He gave the shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Anakin…" He spoke a little louder this time._

_"No… don't…" It was a barely audible mumble, but the older man heard and his brow furrowed in confusion. If the boy was having a nightmare, it was certainly a rather calm one._

_"Anakin, you need to wake up. You have to –" The master winced and clapped his hands over his ears as his padawan suddenly let out an ear-piercing cry. The boy sat up and clear blue eyes flashed open to focus on nothing. He was trembling and his face was frozen in fear. His master instantly reached out and grasped both of the boy's arms, turning him so that they were facing each other. "Anakin, I'm right here. It's not real. You're okay." His reassuring words had no effect on the terrified padawan who tried desperately to free himself from his grip._

_Suddenly fearful that something was terribly wrong, the master clenched his jaw and did something he didn't want to do. He closed his eyes, raised one hand in front of the boy's face and took a deep breath. Then he forced his way into his padawan's mind, found the strongest shield he could find, and slammed a tendril of his force-presence against it. He visibly shuddered at the sharp cry of pain the boy let out. Never had he wanted to intentionally cause his padawan pain. When the boy didn't wake up, he did it again… and again… and finally, seeing no other option, he blasted his way through the barrier. _

_The master withdrew as he felt his padawan's mind clear once the shield was broken. The boy's tear-stained eyes turned to focus on the elder Jedi. "Master?"_

_"Anakin… are you alright?"_

_The boy threw himself forward, his spindly arms going around the older man's body, gripping as if they would never let go. A shuddering sob broke through the quiet and the boy shook. The master felt the warm wetness of tears soak through his tunic to his chest, but he didn't push the padawan away with a gentle shove. He didn't tell him to get ready for class. Instead, he wrapped his strong arms around the skinny youth, holding him close. "Shhhh, it's okay. I'm here," he whispered, his own voice going hoarse with unshed tears. As he held his boy in his arms, Obi-wan couldn't help but wonder if the pain would ever fade away._

Don't make me kill you.

My allegiance is to the Republic, to democracy!

If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!

Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must.

You will try…

He didn't remember speaking the words, didn't even remember the monster shouting back at him. His feet were moving as were his arms, but his mind was a million miles away, a dozen years in the past. Blurs of light flashed in front of his eyes, smoldering ashes blanketed the landscape around him, spurts of lava exploded out of the nearby river, but he saw it all in a vague wash of black, orange, and blue. His mind, his memories… it was all he had left at that point. The hands holding the azure blade, the arms moving to defend him, the legs backpedalling from the monster attacking him were no longer his. Only his mind remained. His mind, his soul, and his slowly breaking heart.

A heart that would never be whole again.

_Anakin entered the small apartment and immediately stalked for the kitchen. Objective: find anything remotely edible and devour it._

_His master watched him from the couch. The blue-gray eyes followed him from the door to the kitchen, and when he disappeared from view, he listened as the fridge opened and closed along with a few cupboards. Eventually, the young knight emerged chewing on an energy bar of some sort. His master gave him a look and he shrugged. "It's the best I could find. I'm certain you have no clue what the word 'snack' means."_

_Obi-wan ignored the jibe and raised a brow. "Where have you been? We were supposed to go over the background of our new mission together, but now I have to leave for a Council meeting in a few minutes."_

_Anakin stopped chewing and looked away. His gloved hand rose to scratch the back of his neck. "Oh… um, sorry. I got hung up."_

_The elder Jedi saw straight through the concealing tone and set the datapad he had been reading on the small table in front of him. He fixed his former padawan in the steely gaze he was known for and leaned back. "Doing what exactly?"_

_The younger man huffed. "It's not important. Senator Amidala had a few questions regarding security for the upcoming Senate debate and it took a little longer than expected."_

_Everything about the knight screamed liar. His posture, the eyes that couldn't seem to look his former master in the face, his tone of voice… and something inside Obi-wan finally broke. He had heard that tone one too many times now. "Do you love her, Anakin?" he asked quietly, his eyes softening just a bit._

_Anakin glanced at him, pursed his lips, and shook his head. "Love is forbidden, master. Of course I don't love her." Then he walked across the room to his room. The door closed, leaving the master with his thoughts. Thoughts that were slowly eating away at him. He could almost feel it as his former padawan's words tore the first little bit of his heart away. He swallowed and picked up the datapad again to review the last little bits of information before the meeting, but his mind couldn't make sense of the jumbled words. The only words ringing in his head were the last ten words of that conversation._

_A blatant lie._

_Anakin didn't trust him._

_How much pain could one life take before it fell off the edge?_

_Obi-wan wasn't sure he could take much more._

He let go of the wire and the feet that had been carrying him through this mess found purchase on a metal platform hovering above the molten river. Gray eyes looked on in dull silence as the river carried the monster closer to the falls. The monster would fall, and it would all be over.

It was not to be.

Sparks flew and metal screeched as the monster landed on a droid, shoving it a little ways into the lava. The blue blade was clenched firmly in the… _thing's_… hand. Gray eyes, still dull, looked at the blade held in one of the hands that had been fighting for him. The fingers, calloused and scorched a little from bits of ash, refused to budge. His mind screamed at them, willing the hand to open just a fraction of an inch, so that the blade would fall and this would all be over. But the hand was no longer his to command. The Force was controlling it now, not his mind, and the Force said no.

The Force said keep fighting.

The Force said…

He closed his eyes. He had been following the call of the Force for thirty-eight years now. Never once had he refused its gentle beckoning. And now, when he finally knew that what he was doing was wrong, the Force refused to budge.

The monster attacked once more. His eyes remained closed even as he felt the arms reach up to block. The Force would do the fighting for him.

He would simply wait as his heart fell apart, piece by piece, agonizingly slow. Eventually, he reasoned, there would be nothing left to beat. Nothing left to hold the legs up. Nothing left to give the arms energy to fight. Everything would simply stop. And then the nightmare would finally fade.

It would fade into the peaceful flow of the Force that he had been waiting for since the day his master had been killed.

_He stood behind the red shield, looking through terrified eyes at the duel unfolding in front of him. The Sith was fast. Too fast. He had two blades. He was younger. He didn't tire as fast._

_His master was fading._

_And eventually, the Sith was just too much. The young man's breathing quickened, his knuckles grew white around the hilt he held in his right hand, and the knot in his stomach grew tighter. And then it happened. The Sith stabbed his master straight through the heart. His master fell, eyes not seeing the pained expression on his padawan's face, ears not hearing the deafening cry that broke from the young man's lips._

_Train the boy._

_His dying wish._

_It ended a promising life and began one full of more suffering than any man would be capable of handling. The master must have known. Because his padawan was possibly the only man strong enough to see it through to the end._

This was the end. It had to be. He couldn't endure more than this. Through all of the deaths, all of the hard work, the heartache, the physical pain, the mental torture, the love lost through the years, he had remained sturdy and strong. He had tried to be the best man he could be. He had tried to be a father to the young man he had grown so close to. In the end, it was all for naught. And truly, he realized, it was only the end that mattered. Everything he had done, all of the good that he thought he had been doing, didn't seem to matter anymore. His life had been one of the wasted few. For everything he had ever hoped to accomplish had just come crashing down around him. And it had shattered into pieces not even the Force could put back together.

Somehow, the feet had managed to get him the high ground. His eyes, still dull and gray, never to be blue again, were aimed at the monster below him. It was yelling something at him, but his ears no longer heard anything. He had gone deaf to the world around him. Deaf to the Force that had betrayed him and tortured him.

But his memories screamed at him and he wasn't deaf to those. They were all he had left. The scream penetrated into the depths of the small part of his heart that remained, and broke through to his soul that still shined brightly despite the darkness around him. It was one word.

Brother.

_Nine years old. "You will be a Jedi. I promise."_

_Ten years old. "Why don't you sleep with me tonight, Anakin?"_

_Twelve. "Just remember to avoid that blasted stick of his. If you say anything about his size, say it out of earshot."_

_Fifteen. "Anakin, don't do it…. Anakin… I'm warning you – ugh, this is why I hate flying!"_

_Seventeen. "Maybe I should just buy you a box of lightsabers. That way, you can carry three or four of them with you at all times, because one is obviously not enough."_

_Nineteen. "Why do I get the feeling that you're going to be the death of me?"_

_Twenty. "Ah, Anakin! Just in time. I thought for a second there that you were going to miss an opportunity to rescue me yet again."_

_Twenty-one. "Anakin, is there something wrong? You haven't been yourself lately."_

_Twenty-two. "Anakin, talk to me. What is it?"_

_I love you… unspoken._

The monster faded away until only his brother remained. His confused, lost brother who had been yearning for those three words since day one at the Temple. And as the Force's grasp on his limbs disappeared, he finally understood. He had a choice now. Both options were a fitting end to his pitiful life, but at least one of them left some hope for the man below him. One of them gave his brother a future in which to make things right, to make them better than what they were.

And one of them would finally bring an end to what had been a pain-ridden, torturous life that had lasted way too long. He grasped the lightsaber firmly, filled with a resolve to do what was necessary. This was what he wanted. He had been waiting his entire life for a time when he would finally be able to escape. He had tried multiple times, throwing himself into the most dangerous situations he could find. Unfortunately, he was the luckiest Jedi in the Order.

"You underestimate my power," his brother growled at him. So lost. So confused.

Don't try it! That's what came to mind. One last plea to stop this madness. But he forced it down. Instead, he spoke those three cherished words that he had withheld for so long. "I love you, Anakin."

Maybe that would get to him, push him back towards the light a little bit. He knew it was too late to try and bring his brother all the way back. Besides, his entire life was a failure. Why end the streak now? He had to chuckle a little as his brother prepared to jump. A smile graced his features as his brother launched himself into the air. He could end it now, he knew. Two simple swings and the monster would be burning on the bank. But Anakin was no monster. He knew that now. Anakin was his way out, his way to somehow make things right. And even if he wouldn't be around to see it happen, he knew that his brother would one day fulfill the prophecy and turn back to what he had been. In order for that to happen, Anakin needed to live.

He did not.

So, as his brother spun overhead, he merely looked out at the dark landscape one last time, nodding in silent acceptance that this was the perfect place for his life to end. He felt a new blast of heat begin to sear his back, and then the remains of his broken heart disappeared as the blade drove through them. He fell to his knees, and then to his stomach, choking on air that he could no longer suck in. With the last of his strength, he turned his head to glimpse his brother one last time, but Anakin was already walking away. Even so, his lips moved as he muttered one last farewell. "Goodbye, brother."

His sight was fading, but he saw Anakin hesitate and look back once. Perhaps there was good left in him after all. Smiling for the first time in a long time, Obi-wan Kenobi breathed his last and faded into the Force, knowing that his last attempt at doing something good was not done in vain. His brother was worth it.

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_Please review if you have the time..._

_"Affliction is not sent in vain, young man, from that good God, who chastens whom he loves." ~ Robert Southey_


End file.
